How is it that RoseAnne Barr grabbed her crotch and she was called a slut, but Michael Jackson grabbed his Crotch and he was called a Talented Entertainer?
~~Lorretta Woodbury~~ June 27th 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My Immortal
I am having a day of it. Today I feel so lost, without a sense of direction, and without purpose. I must remind myself this is just for today. Tomorrow can be better if I let it. The last 12 hours or so I have been listening to different YouTube versions of the song My Immortal realizing it is such a profound song. In the old Midi File days, when our options were few for recorded music for our websites I remember hearing the music to My Immortal on Survivors Websites. Later I would hear it on the websites of those with Dissociative Disorders. Yet later many of our BPD’s had it on their websites. As I recall, I also had it on my website.
So many ways the song My Immortal can be thought of and viewed as. …So many ways indeed.
But today I am feeling despair, fear, a sense of no direction, and a lack of purpose. Today I am so depersonalized I do not feel real. My roommates do not understand me and they find it odd I do not like to leave the house. Actually that would include my room. They throw a dig whenever possible. For example “You FINALLY decided to come outside…” “You FINALLY decided to come out of your room…” A simple "hello how are you today" would be much nicer to walk into and not feel so intimidating. The word finally feels like such a verbal weapon at this point. My therapist finds it interesting that I am cowering from my roommates. I don’t like confrontation, so I walk away from confrontation. I never like myself when I say things back. They always come out ugly and make me look bad. Ö¿Ö Hence; I waddle into my room.
Well back to My Immortal. I am putting different cuts of it on here.
Grey's Anatomy seems to have found this music profound for one of their episodes, so I have included this one.
Evenescence recorded this song and this is her Video.
Passion of The Christ found My Immortal appropriate for their film.
A foreign trauma survivor recorded this as well. It strikes me as being a cry for help. Now you notice I am writing more about this one. This was so me before I got my help. So when I have days like today I have to remember how far I have come and not allow myself to go back to that time and place in my life. I may come back and elaborate on this more, but am going to do it in doses. I will probably update it right here.
CAUTION ON THE FOLLOWING ONE: TRIGGER!! If you are challenged by DID/MPD, are a self harmer, a c*tter, or easily get an upset stomach do not watch this. It is graphic.
So many ways the song My Immortal can be thought of and viewed as. …So many ways indeed.
But today I am feeling despair, fear, a sense of no direction, and a lack of purpose. Today I am so depersonalized I do not feel real. My roommates do not understand me and they find it odd I do not like to leave the house. Actually that would include my room. They throw a dig whenever possible. For example “You FINALLY decided to come outside…” “You FINALLY decided to come out of your room…” A simple "hello how are you today" would be much nicer to walk into and not feel so intimidating. The word finally feels like such a verbal weapon at this point. My therapist finds it interesting that I am cowering from my roommates. I don’t like confrontation, so I walk away from confrontation. I never like myself when I say things back. They always come out ugly and make me look bad. Ö¿Ö Hence; I waddle into my room.
Well back to My Immortal. I am putting different cuts of it on here.
Grey's Anatomy seems to have found this music profound for one of their episodes, so I have included this one.
Evenescence recorded this song and this is her Video.
Passion of The Christ found My Immortal appropriate for their film.
A foreign trauma survivor recorded this as well. It strikes me as being a cry for help. Now you notice I am writing more about this one. This was so me before I got my help. So when I have days like today I have to remember how far I have come and not allow myself to go back to that time and place in my life. I may come back and elaborate on this more, but am going to do it in doses. I will probably update it right here.
CAUTION ON THE FOLLOWING ONE: TRIGGER!! If you are challenged by DID/MPD, are a self harmer, a c*tter, or easily get an upset stomach do not watch this. It is graphic.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Pachelbel Canon In D
Today for the first day in some time my breathing is laboring. I felt so good breathing wise over the last few months. I guess the girls don't believe in air anymore than they believe in heat. Oh well!! Yesterday it was 91 Degrees outside.. Now they did tell me I was going to be grateful for the wind in this area during the summer months. I guess I just did not realize what that meant exactly. LOL I guess I am going to have to get on the stick and figure out what to do here!
Hence; I needed my Pachelbel Fix this morning.. Pachelbel has been a part of my life for many years. Somehow, no matter how bleak life seems or things seem, this wonderful piece of music always settles me down.
I think at least for the next couple of hours I am going to have to go back to bed!! The thought of going through this again this summer is just appauling. I had hoped the High Desert and getting away from the mold and high humidity was going to be the answer.
Hope all is well out there in Blogland...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Sound of Music - Central Station Belgium
Occasionally I find something on YouTube That really rings my bells and does it for me. This is indeed one of those times.
Enjoy!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Memories of the People In My Life..
Tonight I would like to write about the greater things in life… That would be the memories and treasures of the people I have met over the years. It was easy over the years to discount these very same people who have in one way or another touched my life. It is not of any single greatness I love these people and appreciate these people but with collective greatness as to the joy they have brought into my life; something as simple as a little smile, or perhaps an awkward moment that may have touched my heart. Or perhaps those who planned a surprise or even a prank I was not expecting. In other cases there have been those who have been in my life or crossed my path who neither of us had to say a thing, as we were attuned to each other in such a way we knew what one another was thinking. Ironically it is years later I have been gifted with the joy of the memories provided by these very people in my past.
There were those I dared to love and who dared to love me. They have never been forgotten. What has been forgotten were the reasons I found fault with them. With the passage of time I see only their goodness. I am so glad for this. There are so many memories of people I cherish so much.
Allowing people to love me, like me, and care about me without second guessing it has perhaps been the most difficult task of my recovery process of all. For after all, if they saw goodness in me, there must have been something wrong with them; an underlying belief I carried with me for so long. I hope to continue this section of my recovery and hope to be able to write about it someday with more ease and clarity. For now, I can appreciate these very people were indeed the greater things in my life. For the pain I bestowed on each of them for loving me and caring about me, I forgive myself. Hopefully, one day they can forgive me too.
There were those I dared to love and who dared to love me. They have never been forgotten. What has been forgotten were the reasons I found fault with them. With the passage of time I see only their goodness. I am so glad for this. There are so many memories of people I cherish so much.
Allowing people to love me, like me, and care about me without second guessing it has perhaps been the most difficult task of my recovery process of all. For after all, if they saw goodness in me, there must have been something wrong with them; an underlying belief I carried with me for so long. I hope to continue this section of my recovery and hope to be able to write about it someday with more ease and clarity. For now, I can appreciate these very people were indeed the greater things in my life. For the pain I bestowed on each of them for loving me and caring about me, I forgive myself. Hopefully, one day they can forgive me too.
